Sorry, I Had A Bad Day Again..

So, here we are, home again!

Charlotte REALLY looks like a Buddha baby now! They shaved her head yesterday when I was at work. It was getting to the point that when you ran your fingers through it, it would come out in clumps... So sad.

Here is a before picture:



Here is her getting shaved:



Here is her after picture:





She is now fat AND shiny! Yes, I called my baby FAT. Eighteen pounds DOES qualify her for fat status.



I got an amazing email from Anna at Capital Candlelighter's today, informing us that she is sending us a grocery card and another gas card, which is so amazing I almost cried.

I also got an email from Ron about the wristbands we want to order for our benefit.

Here is what they look like, let me know which color YOU prefer, that would be extremely helpful....







I sat down and had a heart to heart with my boss today, and he told me straight up that he thinks I would be happier part time because of the way my life is going right now. I got all teary eyed when I told him that his family was like my family, and I really want him to know that no matter what EVER happens at this job, I am always going to feel that way about them. They are just terrific people!

I am feeling really emotional today, and its a roller coaster I would rather not be on.

Remember that comment I made about really good days, and then really bad days? Now they are reduced to almost moments instead.

Right now, right at this moment I am lost. Wandering. Like walking through the grocery store without a list, and not being able to remember if you were out of butter or milk.

I want SO BAD more than ANYTHING ELSE to have my life back the way it was four weeks ago. I would give up everything I have just for one more day when Charlie was kicking her legs around and standing; to be able to sit on MY favorite green chair, in MY apartment with MY family together, whole, unblemished, happy.

I want to be off autopilot and feel something beside loss- which is an all consuming black hole that sucks any happy thoughts right out of your mind.

Why am I mourning when no one is dead??

Am I mourning for what I had? It wasn't the material things that I am going to miss.

I look at my wedding ring, and I see the promise Kevin and I made, and I wonder if we will be able to hold it together when all we focus on lately is C A N C E R.

BIG FAT STUPID EFFING CANCER.

You ruined my life.

How dare you.

I WANT to say we will conquer this and come out stronger!

But I feel like I am the one with the tumor sucking out my very life source.

Food doesn't taste the same, the sun shining is too bright, the people that walk through the park laughing like everything is normal in the world- like they don't realize everything is completely upside down.

On June 24th, my world stopped turning.

When will it be back to normal for me?

God Bless.


Kristi M. Rufener