A Long Night

Kevin and I are here at the hospital.

Charlotte has a Neuroblastoma in her chest, and I have tranquilizers.

The blastoma is about the size of a fist, and it is pushing on her spinal cord which is causing the paraplegia in her legs. It is also resting against her heart, but luckily that isn't causing any problems. I will have pictures to put up on here as soon as I get them, but for now the crappy description I just gave will have to be good enough.

This is a cancer that is highly treatable, according to the four hundred and fifty doctors we have seen so far, none of them whose names I can remember. She started chemo at two a.m. this morning.

We are poisoning our baby to get her better.

I cannot describe to you the feeling of hearing your four month old has cancer.

There is a little bit of guilt- like I should have been home instead of going back to work. There is anger, and it is often misdirected. Right now it is my rage against God for doing this to a baby. And don't try to tell me there is some big plan for her, because you can kiss my ass and she could have done great things without cancer.

Then there is helplessness. I have no choice BUT to poison her with this chemo in the hopes that she will get better.
There is the sense of loss- that she is losing the chance to be a baby before she barely even began.
I am alone. And yet not alone. My husband is here. My mom is here. And I am alone.

And when you are alone, the things that go through your head are horrible.
Did I do something to make her deserve this? Why isn't it me?? I could have handled it if it were me.

And...what if she never walks? Or uses her legs?
What if after all this is done she isn't the same baby?

Just a week ago she was so healthy and normal.

I brought a healthy happy baby into this hospital, and they gave me a sick one.
They gave me this baby with cancer who is hooked up to all kinds of IV's and monitors.

And her legs flop around. I call her froggy, because that is what it reminds me of.

And despite everything else around her...

Froggy is still smiling.